If you’ve been saying to yourself, “Gee, I wish there were an American answer to Things or Science Crazed, shot in the same era with about the same prehistoric level of technical knowhow, but more action, more scatological ‘humor,’ and some unnecessary terminal consonants,” then Maxx Bloodd: Vampire Spy is the movie for you.

Crime is on the rise! The movie begins with the crime lord Crackheadd celebrating his Employee of the Month. Business is good. Unfortunately, the mayor stands in his way. But Crackheadd doesn’t need to send his usual enforcer, Enema Ernie (see above, re: scatological ‘humor’), he has a different plan.

The mayor is snorting cocaine when his female companion lets in one of Crackheadd’s minions, who takes a picture. The mayor can now be blackmailed. “Bitch set me up!” he complains. Yes, it’s a Marion Barry reference. That should fix this movie’s era firmly in your mind.

Meanwhile, a concerned member of SNUFF (the Scientific Network United For Freedom) goes to hire Maxx Bloodd. Maxx is a vampire, and an ex-Weatherman. He really doesn’t like fascist pricks. He says so a lot. He isn’t interested in what SNUFF wants, except … SNUFF has invented a new blood substitute. So maybe he is interested after all. But what’s the catch?

The President of the United States wants to institute martial law, one city at a time, and if they can’t bring the drug problem under control, then he’ll start right here! SNUFF has a list of drug people for Maxx to kill. Maxx agrees.

Maxx is introduced to SNUFF’s chief scientist, takes the blood substitute, and is given some superspy-like tech, which the movie immediately forgets about. Maxx then is green-screened into a different movie to gather some information.

Maxx hunts down the mayor, and kills him.

Maxx hunts down some more drug people, and kills them.

Maxx meets up with an old friend from his Weatherman days. They have a 1960s reminiscence. Two cops show up and attempt to clumsily plant weed on Maxx. Maxx kills them.

Crackheadd hires a new guy to fight Maxx Bloodd. New guy’s name is Deathfist.

Maxx and Deathfist fight, but the fight is inconclusive, despite Deathfist getting rockin’ fight scene music. Deathfist runs off.

A pedophile priest tracks Maxx to his lair, and attempts to stake Maxx, but the fight is inconclusive. The priest runs off.

Maxx discovers Crackheadd’s lair.

Maxx fights Enema Ernie in an anti-climactic fight scene, and kills him.

Maxx and Deathfist fight, more rockin’ fight scene music, and Maxx kills Deathfist.

Maxx and Crackheadd fight, and Maxx kills Crackheadd in an anti-climactic fight scene.

Maxx and the pedophile priest fight. Maxx kills the priest and cracks jokes about it to the SNUFF guy as they walk away. The SNUFF guy is clearly annoyed by Maxx, but doesn’t say anything about it, and Maxx does not kill the SNUFF guy.

If you watch the first 17 or so minutes of this movie, you see all the good parts, except for the Deathfist fight scenes. I’m not sure those are worth the cost of watching the rest of the movie. Although as a cinematic masochist, I admit that I am curious to check out the same director’s Operation Witch Force: The Girls With Hex Appeal.

This version of The Pit and the Pendulum comes from 2009. There were more than one that year? This one is credited in the credit sequence as David DeCoteau’s Edgar Allen Poe’s The Pit and the Pendulum.

Is there a pit? Maybe. Sort of. A pit of the mind. Is there a pendulum? Yes. It is totally fair to say that this movie is adapted from the title of the Edgar Allen Poe story.

Some random hot-but-oh-so-stupid college-age kids roll up to a big house in the country. There is this scientist person who can help them escape the boundaries of pain and fear, and move past the constraints of fatigue. The kids are a combination of athletes and other adrenaline-seekers (Kyle is a storm chaser). And one random woman who strolls up on the college kids and is a local.

The scientist in question (J.B.) is the daughter of the psychologist who founded the asylum that was the original purpose of the big house. They emigrated years ago from the Uncanny Valley. Not really, but there is some aspect of her face (genetics? plastic surgery? genetic surgery?) that gives her the uncanny valley vibe. It’s the way her cheekbones sit stationary on her face as her expressions work their way around those unfeeling stanchions.

J.B. basically gives the college kids the run of her house, and offers to hypnotize them into … running faster, holding their breath longer, lifting more weight … whatever their desires are. She is a movie hypnotist, and can put someone into a trace with only the brief sway of a pocketwatch. When J.B. hypnotizes people, she walks them into a dark pit, in their mind. This is the pit of the film’s title.

As this is a DeCoteau film, it will not shock you to hear that when someone asks Kyle, “are you a ladies’ man,” Kyle deflects the question. A lot of hairless-chested dudes sleep in boxer briefs and wear tube socks to bed, I’m just sayin’.

J.B. immediately begins hypnotizing the young men, and killing them. The survivors only know that their numbers are dwindling. J.B. says that the missing participants left because they were successful. The survivors don’t exactly believe her, but don’t exactly do anything to keep themselves alive, either. They still voluntarily go to hypnotism therapy sessions. My favorite one involves the two wrestlers, and a whip.

The two non-J.B. women (one college athlete, one the suspicious local) are a little smarter. They do not voluntarily allow themselves to be hypnotized. They hook up with each other (as do Kyle and his roommate). Those four are the last potential victims left alive. Heteronormativity kills! Or maybe I’m overthinking it. [Spoiler: I am absolutely overthinking it.]

Toward the end of the movie, J.B.’s brother escapes from the room where she’s apparently kept him tied to a chair for a few decades. Kyle is hypnotized, walked to the dark pit in his mind (and the garden in the outside world), and tied to a contraption which involves a sharp axe pendulum. Movie title unlocked!

The end of the movie involves a cameo by Greg Sestero (Mark from The Room), and is especially stupid.

I will give the last lines of this review to Amy:

Streaming on a midnight dreary, while I pondered, drunk and bleary
On many a quaint and curious display of visual motifs
If we are not to go full frontal, to imply the naked contrapuntal
Or a healthy lad in full gruntle – lest the censors have their beefs
What should clad round buns and chiseled chests in bas-reliefs?
Quoth the Raven, “Boxer briefs.”

Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay is a slow-moving “accidentally invade the fay realms” movie. It’s French, but with less nudity than a French zombie movie. Morgan le Fay is the fay in question. She lives in a castle inhabited by many other women — and one man, her assistant, Gurth.

Anna and Françoise accidentally find themselves in Morgan’s realm of same-sex massages, same-sex makeouts, and diaphanous gowns. Those who choose not to stay are imprisoned anyway, growing old and fading to dust as all mortals must.

Anna decides to stay, trading her soul in exchange for eternal youth and beauty. Françoise does not. The entire plot of the film involves Françoise scheming to leave.

With much assistance and sacrifice from Morgan’s thralls, Françoise escapes. The first thing she runs across is a funeral procession attended by a handful of old people. Whoops! She decides maybe eternal youth and beauty isn’t such a bad thing after all.

Party on, Morgan. Party on, Gurth.

Here is a list of all the movies that featured in the in-person CMP 7 show:

4 Horsemen: Apocalypse
Acid Rain
Bigfoot vs D.B. Cooper
Blackjack
The Book of Fire
Captain Battle
Decoys 2: Alien Seduction
Full Metal Yakuza
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
Journey to the Center of the Earth
King Dinosaur
Megafault
Neil Stryker and the Tyrant of Time
Neshima
Official Exterminator 4: Goddess Mission
Ozark Sharks
Rebirth of Mothra
Scorpion Thunderbolt
Shark Zone
Shocking Dark
Sorceress
Space Wars: Quest for the Deep Star
Sword of Lancelot
They Call Me Macho Woman
The Thirst
Vampegeddon
Video Demons Do Psychotown

It is worth noting that several of these feature in the Remote Show in July … but eight movies also appear there that are not represented here. Those other 8 begin with the letters B, D, M, R, T, and V.

Here are the links to the Google Polls for the 12 categories of CMP 7.

[ I have not deleted these links from this post, but the underlying Google Polls have been severed from the voting spreadsheet ]

Vote wisely. If you can’t vote wisely, vote with confidence. If you can’t vote with confidence, vote orphan.

The Elevator Pitch – Elevator Pitch poll

WTF? – WTF poll

Romance: DOA – Romance DOA poll

Least-special FX – The least of the special effects polls

Because I Could Not Stop For Death…. – Death poll

Nobody Was Kung-Fu Fighting – Nobody Was Kung-Fu Fighting poll

Over the Top – Over the Top poll

LOL – LOL POLL

Featured Creatures – Featured Creatures poll

Mistakes Were Made – Mistakes poll

Worst Acting – Acting poll

Worst Picture – Worst Picture poll