The first thing I see when I put a DVD into my laptop is what the DVD is named in the filesystem. Ideally, the DVD will be named the same as the movie (plus or minus any special characters that my filesystem doesn’t like). It’s generally a sign of a low-quality movie when the file or folder on the DVD is labelled NEW. This movie was called LOGICAL VOLUME IDENTIFIER.
The second thing I see is how the DVD is mastered. LOGICAL VOLUME IDENTIFIER has no title menu, and is one track, no chapter marks. This is relevant because it contains previews. Previews that are (as the name implies) before the movie. I do like to note down what movies are previewed, as research, if nothing else. The first preview was for LOGICAL VOLUME IDENTIFIER itself, which isn’t unheard of. It was a short preview, so not much time wasted. The second preview … was also for LOGICAL VOLUME IDENTIFIER, but completely different. And longer. The third preview was the longest LOGICAL VOLUME IDENTIFIER preview yet. Completely different tone and clips from the first two previews.
The opening credits also provide some hints to the quality of the movie. I see the writer is also the director. And the cinematographer. And the editor. And also “Produce By” … so I honestly don’t know if he was the producer or the caterer. Maybe both.
I did see something in these credits that I have never seen before, not in thirty years of watching questionable movies. The “Music By” credit started off with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra of London, which isn’t unusual by itself, but the names after that just kept coming and coming and coming. In addition to the Orchestra, there were SEVENTEEN OTHER NAMES under “Music By.” More distinct people than were credited for the rest of the movie. One of them was even Mendelssohn. No no, not that Mendelssohn. This guy is Ron Mendelsohn.
Then finally (finally!) we got to the movie itself. LOGICAL Richards is an IDENTIFIER of VOLUMEs. She randomly introduces herself to two police officers who are investigating a mysterious killing. One of the officers is seriously injured by a VOLUME, and his partner puts the moves on LOGICAL.
After the cop sleeps with LOGICAL, she shares her Tragic Backstory™. Her child was slain by a VOLUME, and her family vanished. She knows that one day she will have to destroy what they’ve become. If you believe that day is featured in this movie, you are a sweet summer child who is doomed to disappointment.
LOGICAL is not much of a detective. She has maps and says things like “the outbreak centers here,” but the only IDENTIFYing we see her doing is meandering through the woods to Dramatic! Music! At least eleven people’s worth. Maybe more.
LOGICAL cleans her sword with pine, because when you slay a VOLUME with pine, it has an allergic reaction. Or at least I think that’s what she says, as the audio levels in this movie are absolutely terrible. There were long stretches of the movie where it was more entertaining to imagine Matt’s response to the audio than watching anything happening onscreen.
There is an attempt at a startling twist, when the cop’s partner recovers and brings evidence that LOGICAL was a patient in a local mental institution. He suggests that is no such thing as VOLUMEs, she is killing innocent people. The cop is filled with angst. The movie conveniently ignores the part where the partner was nearly killed by a VOLUME. This is the largest missed opportunity for the movie, which doesn’t really commit either way to the idea that LOGICAL might be hallucinating VOLUMEs. The movie tries to have it both ways. In the flashbacks with LOGICAL in the mental institution, she is being restrained by two orderlies facing away from the camera (who are obviously the actors playing the cop and his partner). There is one attack by LOGICAL on a family of VOLUMEs where we see the victims as innocent humans and also, alternately, as VOLUMEs. Yet there is another where a VOLUME attacks a group of people playing cards, and none of our named characters are present. LOGICAL takes pills, but there is no correlation between that and anything else in this movie. Once again, the careful viewer is disappointed.
I do have two positive things to say about this movie. The actress who plays LOGICAL has a good range, and is a decent actor. The blind long-fingered VOLUMEs that she fights in the woods are a neat monster design.
All in all, LOGICAL VOLUME IDENTIFIER is not the worst movie I’ve watched this year. Even if you look for it under the name on the cover, Avia Vampire Hunter.