Apex Predators is not a fifteen-minute movie. But it is fifteen minutes’ worth of movie. The rest is “atmospheric” — beach shots, a dolphin show, some waverunner shenanigans, two impromptu music videos, some very well done underwater footage (which per the credits is from Shutterstock), opening credits, and closing credits.
I think our hero is a guy with a Bulgarian girlfriend and a vindictive ex-girlfriend. Or maybe it’s the police investigator trying to track a series of mysterious beach disturbances (Is it a serial killer? Is it a shark?). It is absolutely not the owner of the new beach resort that is about to open. It is also not the “scientist” (well … she wears a lab coat) played by Brinke Stevens.
Does anyone in this movie use the term “apex predator” at any point? They do not. Does the police investigator change clothes at his car in the parking lot — in case things get messy? Yes, he does. Is there a fever dream ending so nonsensical that you should skip the entire movie and just watch the last 90 seconds? 90 seconds is generous.
Even if you ignore the fact that scenes don’t logically connect to each other, and most characters never interact … no, it’s still not worth watching this movie. Although my biggest problem was that the song “Apex Predator” from the Mean Girls musical kept going through my head the whole time I was watching this movie, and it was far more compelling.
Just a two-week Reminder that the CMP 7 Remote Show is coming via Zoom on July 18 at 7 PM Eastern (and again at 9 PM).
Look forward to (or dread): Didn’t See That Coming, Wardrobe Dysfunction, Hold My Beer, Songs in the Key of CMP, All Bad Things, SCIENCE!, a re-run of Over the Top (category chosen by Facebook poll), and the breaking of the WMistakes MWere WMade tie from the in-person show in April.
Deafula was not intended for me, by design. Shot entirely in ASL, the version I have is the version adapted for hearing audiences, which has subtitles and occasional sound and narration.
It’s still a mostly silent enterprise. The characters speak ASL largely to each other, and not the camera. The credits even differentiate the hearing people who worked on the film from the non-hearing people.
The main character (Steve) is a preacher’s son who periodically transforms into a bloodsucking fiend, Deafula. The movie is a mixture of him doing normal human things, and then Deafula doing vampiric things. Deafula can dominate the minds of humans, but is neither especially fast nor especially strong nor especially attuned to the creatures of the night.
Steve needs regular blood transfusions, and has ever since he was born. This is for mysterious reasons that no one can explain. Steve also likes to eat peanuts in the shell. This is for plot reasons.
There is a strange subplot involving a detective from England who was involved in the staking of Dracula. This detective has come over to America and is working with the police — although the officer he works with is alternatively rude and dismissive to him.
The creepiest moment in the movie is when Steve goes to visit a friend of his late mother’s, who has become a powerful witch. Her assistant is “mute” — which in this context means he has no hands. She explains that Satan took her assistant’s hands, and is performing evil with them.
The movie ends with Steve in his father’s church having a passionate ASL soliloquy slash prayer.
Amy summarizes the movie well with “Cinematically, they’re doing a lot of sophisticated things. It’s just boring as hell.”
In a letter to a fellow playwright in 1889, Anton Chekhov offered the following piece of advice: “One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it.”
Lavalantula is the perfect Steve Guttenberg vehicle. He plays a washed-up action-movie actor who is driving home after walking off a set when suddenly Hollywood and the greater Los Angeles area are overwhelmed by volcanic spiders.
He makes weird speeches. He shoots guns and has cheesy action sequences. He gets to ride around in a car while Michael Winslow makes funny noises with his mouth. His character is not very bright, but is determined. Kind of like a golden retriever in human form.
The volcanic spiders do not trigger my arachnophobia, but the more you think about them, the more terrifying they get. They can spit fire, but usually they kill people by jumping on them in a giant spider bear hug. Their body heat is so high that their victims immediately immolate.
The funniest scenes of lavalantula carnage are when they attack celebrity impersonators on the streets of Hollywood. The most horrifying one is when a bunch of eggs hatch inside the teenage would-be-girlfriend of Steve Guttenberg’s character’s teenage son, and a little swarm of spiders emerges from her mouth as her body melts down and chars.
The plot is full of handwavium. Where do the lavalantulas come from? Underground! Why attack now? No clue! How to kill them? A random scientist that our characters meet at the La Brea Tar Pits (What? Why? Don’t ask! No time!) explains that these are hive creatures, and will all die if our heroes can kill the … mamalantula.
Robert Craighead deserved an Oscar for saying that with a straight face. The other surprisingly good actor was Patrick Renna as Chris, a tourist from Des Moines.
As the movie went on, one of the things that Amy and I amused ourselves with was seeing the little details that would set up later scenes. My best catch was “she teaches a kickboxing class.” Amy’s best catch was “the suit was tested by NASA.”
I don’t know if I’m interested in watching the sequel, 2 Lava 2 Lantula!, only because it’s set in Florida, which makes it intrinsically more plausible.
A submarine is travelling to a deep sea station. The sub is carrying replacement scientists. The scientists on the deep sea station are bitter about being mysteriously replaced. Suddenly, there is an earthquake!
Contact has been lost with the submarine. When the deep sea station’s crew investigates, they find the sub resting on the ocean floor with its hatches open and its crew missing. Then the person investigating the submarine also disappears.
A diver is sent out to restore full power to the deep sea station, which was damaged by the earthquake. When he returns … he doesn’t return. His wetsuit returns, filled with a human-sized quantity of undifferentiated goo.
The scientist wants to study it. For science! The captain says no. The doctor also wants it studied. For medicine! The captain says no. The rest of the surviving crew backs them up. The captain stomps off in a huff.
Both scientist and doctor are women. They are the only women in the crew. The captain is constantly yelling at them for wanting to do their jobs. He has conflicts with other crew members, but only really flies off the handle at the women. This could have been well-written. It could have been indicative of backstory, or something subtle. But it wasn’t.
The doctor cultures the goo, and it grows into a weird white manta-ray thing. Is it aliens? It’s aliens!
Lords of the Deep predates The Asylum by about a decade, but it came out the same year as The Abyss. Is this a Roger-Corman-produced knockoff of The Abyss? I don’t see how it could be otherwise. They don’t have any actual underwater scenes, because those cost money. Instead of drowning, characters are threatened with asphyxiation. The underwater earthquake demolition of the deep sea station at the end of the movie looks like it cost at least $3.47 — but remember, that’s 1989 dollars.