In a letter to a fellow playwright in 1889, Anton Chekhov offered the following piece of advice: “One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it.”
Lavalantula is the perfect Steve Guttenberg vehicle. He plays a washed-up action-movie actor who is driving home after walking off a set when suddenly Hollywood and the greater Los Angeles area are overwhelmed by volcanic spiders.
He makes weird speeches. He shoots guns and has cheesy action sequences. He gets to ride around in a car while Michael Winslow makes funny noises with his mouth. His character is not very bright, but is determined. Kind of like a golden retriever in human form.
The volcanic spiders do not trigger my arachnophobia, but the more you think about them, the more terrifying they get. They can spit fire, but usually they kill people by jumping on them in a giant spider bear hug. Their body heat is so high that their victims immediately immolate.
The funniest scenes of lavalantula carnage are when they attack celebrity impersonators on the streets of Hollywood. The most horrifying one is when a bunch of eggs hatch inside the teenage would-be-girlfriend of Steve Guttenberg’s character’s teenage son, and a little swarm of spiders emerges from her mouth as her body melts down and chars.
The plot is full of handwavium. Where do the lavalantulas come from? Underground! Why attack now? No clue! How to kill them? A random scientist that our characters meet at the La Brea Tar Pits (What? Why? Don’t ask! No time!) explains that these are hive creatures, and will all die if our heroes can kill the … mamalantula.
Robert Craighead deserved an Oscar for saying that with a straight face. The other surprisingly good actor was Patrick Renna as Chris, a tourist from Des Moines.
As the movie went on, one of the things that Amy and I amused ourselves with was seeing the little details that would set up later scenes. My best catch was “she teaches a kickboxing class.” Amy’s best catch was “the suit was tested by NASA.”
I don’t know if I’m interested in watching the sequel, 2 Lava 2 Lantula!, only because it’s set in Florida, which makes it intrinsically more plausible.