The five cent summary of 2012: Doomsday is that it’s a co-production between Faith Films and The Asylum, wherein we discover that the ancient Mayans were secretly Christians.
The one-dollar summary starts at an archaeology dig near an active volcano in Mexico. The archaeologists need to work fast before their dig site is obliterated. They discover a crucifix that dates to roughly 300 AD. Could this be the proof they need to prove that missionaries visited Mexico over 1000 years before Columbus?
The erupting volcano is only one of hundreds of seismic and climatic events taking place around the world. An important government scientist (played by Cliff DeYoung, whose career has taken a very odd looping trajectory from rock’n’roll singer and Broadway actor, through cult films like Shock Treatment, to mainstream fare like The Flight of the Navigator, and now ending up as That Guy In Those Asylum Films) explains that this is being caused by the alignment of the planet with the black hole at the center of our galaxy.
The President calls for the evacuation of the West Coast of the United States. …and apparently Mexico as well.
A paramedic (played by Ami Dolenz, whose career is not nearly so wild as Cliff DeYoung’s) fails to save a Mexican immigrant because he will not stop praying long enough for her to administer … whatever the thing is she’s trying to do.
The daughter of the Important Government Scientist is a missionary ministering to a small village in Mexico, but she has to walk to a nearby larger town to get medical assistance for a disease outbreak, where she encounters a creepy photojournalist, who isn’t a doctor, but he did attend some medical school, maybe he can help.
Archaeologist, Scientist, Paramedic, Daughter, these are the four main characters.
Archaeologist and his not-really-ex-wife-because-they-never-had-time-to-get-divorced head off to Chichen Itza with the crucifix because of a prophecy. They do not tell us the prophecy. They don’t bother to explain it to other characters. Someone references a prophecy, and off they go.
Scientist calls Daughter a lot and tries to convince her to leave her village and come back to the US — to Nebraska, where it’s safe.
Paramedic has weird visions, and takes her dying mother on a road trip to Chichen Itza.
Daughter discovers that her village is abandoned when she brings Creepy Photojournalist back. But someone from a nearby village tells her of a pregnant woman that needs to be brought to Chichen Itza. Good thing Creepy Photojournalist has a car.
Bad seismic things quickly kill off the guy accompanying Archaeologist and his not-really-ex-wife. Then bad climate things slowly kill her off. Don’t worry, Archaeologist keeps hold of the crucifix.
Scientist eventually realizes that Daughter isn’t coming to the US, and talks a buddy into flying him to a small airport near Chichen Itza.
Characters in this movie like to talk to each other about the importance of faith, as every group seems to have one person with faith, and another who is losing or has lost theirs. There is even a conversation about how God is not doing bad things at Scientist. Almost immediately followed by a scene where hailstones the size of baseballs pummel Creepy Photojournalist’s car, one of them crashing directly through his windshield and also through his abdomen.
There is a weird interlude where two of the three characters with strong religious faith just vanish (Paramedic’s mom, and Scientist’s pilot buddy), and we are supposed to assume they’ve been raptured. But … Scientist’s Daughter is probably the character with the strongest faith, and she is needed by the plot to drive the Pregnant Virgin (the movie just glosses past that detail like I am doing here) to Chichen Itza after Creepy Photojournalist is killed by hailstones, so she has to stick around.
Archaeologist finds that the crucifix fits perfectly into a spot in a wall in Chichen Itza, which then causes a videogame-like transformation as a series of walls open up, and an altar rises out of the ground. Archaeologist can read the runes which say that it’s an altar for the virgin to give birth upon. Conveniently enough, Daughter and Pregnant Virgin show up, followed shortly thereafter by Scientist (who caught a lift with Paramedic).
There is a sudden darkness, the Virgin gives birth, the darkness lifts, and nobody really talks about all the climatic disruptions that still need to be surmounted. Instead they talk about going forth and spreading the good news unto the world.
The five-dollar summary? This movie isn’t worth five dollars.